My summer desk job included what any internship consists of — extended hours of completing somewhat mindless tasks. So when I asked a friend which new podcast I should listen to (I’d already binged Serial, the only podcast anyone has really ever listened to), she suggested “My Dad Wrote a Porno.”
The next day I went into work and put on my headphones. I figured the title was some sort of humorous metaphor, but no, some poor man’s dad has actually written a pornographic novel. The podcast consists of Jamie Morton (whose dad wrote the porno) and his friends, Alice Levine and James Cooper, reading the novel aloud and commenting on its unfortunate absurdity. Naturally, I finished the entire first season within the next two days.
Probably — no, definitely — not a suitable podcast to listen to at work, but I can safely say that it’s the most disgustingly funny thing I have ever heard. The title of the erotic novel is Belinda Blinked, and lucky for us, it’s a series! I’m not sure what inspired this unsexy, peculiar title, but as you might guess, Belinda is the main character, and she’s a sexual fiend. She works at Steele’s Pots and Pans, a leader in the pots and pans industry — an industry that I, and likely everyone else, didn’t know existed before Belinda fucked her way into our lives. The author’s pen-name is Rocky Flintstone. As I said, Rocky Flintstone is Jamie’s 60-some year-old dad, who decided that retirement was the prime time for beginning his career in pornographic literature. He enjoys writing his novels in his gazebo, and let’s face it, probably in the nude. He is a self-published writer whose e-books are sold on Amazon for only $4, though I highly discourage you from actually buying them.
What makes the podcast so funny is that James and Alice comment on Belinda Blinked as Jamie reads the books aloud. Belinda gets herself into the most bizarre situations, most of which include sex. So much sex. In a maze, in her office’s leather room, in the lobby of a hotel, the list goes on. Besides that, there is essentially no plot. Every few chapters, though, Rocky attempts to introduce his readers to the business side of the pots and pans industry. The takeaway from these chapters is always: Rocky knows nothing about business, and these novels are nothing without the weird, distasteful sex scenes.
You may be wondering why I, and millions of other people, find this podcast so amusing. It’s mainly because it’s the most anti-erotic erotic novel I’ve ever heard. It makes you laugh at what are usually intimate, romantic interactions because there is absolutely nothing intimate or romantic about them. Belinda will have sex anywhere and with anyone. Coworkers, businessmen, a duchess, a countess, the secretary, basically anything that moves. She goes to business meetings that involve crazy sex and then travels the world to do the exact same thing, just in other countries. The sexual adventures for Belinda are endless.
Rocky’s style of writing is certainly unique and plays a vital role in Jamie, Alice and James’s conversations. Quotes like “Her breasts hung like pomegranates,” “he grabbed her cervix,” and “nipples as large as the three-inch rivets which held the hull of the fateful Titanic together,” show us that he knows next to nothing about female anatomy, and it’s downright hilarious. He also fails to proofread his books before publishing, which make for some very entertaining tangents. One of my favorite parts of the first book is when Bella, Belinda’s friend and colleague, is suddenly referred to as Donna for just one chapter. In the second novel, Belinda is referred to as “Belinder” whenever her American lover, Jim Sterling, addresses her. For some reason, Rocky continues to spell her name that way for the next two chapters, even in prose. To confuse the characters in your own writing is a new kind of mad, but it keeps listeners highly entertained, and if you’re like me, crying from laughter.
Jamie, Alice and James are on the second season, nearing the end of Belinda Blinked 2. Every Monday morning, I listen to the newest episode as I’m getting ready for class, like any good Belinker (it’s like a Belieber, but for Belinda fans). There’s no better way to start your week than with some bad, unfeasible and downright absurd sex.