HENDEL & LOUNSBURY: An inconvenient truth

Last Thursday night, as the only two seniors not finalizing pre-tap lists, the two of us sat down and reminisced about our society-less senior year. For those of you unlucky enough not to be tapped tonight, here’s an idea of what next year holds in store.

Some things that happen when you don’t get into society:

You’re the only senior at meetings on Thursdays and Sundays.

You become friends with underclassmen because they’re the only people around two out of seven nights of the week, but you think they judge you (they do).

You spend those nights eating pizza and convincing yourself you’re better off anyway (you’re not).

You wonder if Dean Mary Miller thinks less of you (she does).

You call home more than ever — who else but your parents will talk to you?

You start watching Hulu original series. You aren’t worth primetime dramas.

You realize that at the “Mean Girls” cafeteria tables, you’d be sitting with the Desperate Wannabes: “One time a member of Skull and Bones punched me in the face … it was awesome.”

You have no one to watch the Superbowl with … or the Oscars … or “The Good Wife” (but that was an issue even before society … seriously why don’t people watch?!).

You can live-tweet “Scandal” as it airs.

You finally take advantage of Yale Mental Health; you need to figure out what’s wrong.

You wonder if you were a different race or into a different hobby if you would have made it … but realize probably not.

You come to terms that it’s not your ability or lack of talent, but that it’s your personality that is the problem. People have always told you true love is based on personality… so you’re screwed.

You try to create a one-person society … which watches porn for three hours every “meeting” — might as well practice ‘cause you’ll be alone for the rest of your life!

You’re the only senior on Grindr and Tinder on society nights.

You’ll never get to tell your life story … but you realize that because you didn’t get into society, your story probably isn’t worth telling anyway.

Since you bring nothing worthy to the table as a person, you wonder if you should just end it now (another reason to take advantage of Yale Mental Health).

You realize you’d get no sponsors in the Hunger Games.

You realize that you’re the Hufflepuffs of Yale.

You read “Divergent” with all your newfound free time and realize that you would be factionless. (If you didn’t get the reference, you’re too busy with society.)

You have a lot of time to read young adult fiction.

You are deemed worthless by your peers.

You schedule fake conflicts on your G-Cal on Thursdays and Sundays.

You can go to mass on Sunday evenings at St. Thomas More.

You eat alone on Sundays. All your friends will have fancy dinner with the worthy.

Your answer to the question “Do you have what it takes?” will forever be “no.”

You have more time to resent your joblessness and blame it on your lack of a tight-knit alumni network, but it’s probably for the same reason you didn’t get into society in the first place.

You won’t have that special graduation photo with your new friends, just a picture of your silly old friends … if they’ll still have you (we’re crossing our fingers).

You try to figure out where you went wrong. Hint: Birth.

The only tomb you’ll ever enter is that of your own grave.

Some of your friends will reassure you that life will go on if you don’t get into society. Let’s be honest — that’s just pity. Or so our therapists say…

Things that happen if you do get into society: blood drinking. Lots of blood drinking.

Sara Hendel is a senior in Davenport College. Contact her at sara.hendel@yale.edu. Connor Lounsbury is a senior in Calhoun College. Contact him at connor.lounsbury@yale.edu .

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