I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with the News: when President-elect Peter Salovey finally gets to take up the less awkward-sounding mantle of “President,” he needs to commit to a firm recruitment policy. Thankfully, he’s got me to advise him. So, if I may:
President-elect Salovey, athletics at Yale are fine. I know this because once I went to a hockey game, and it was totally rad. To be honest, I don’t remember if we won, and I guess there was some friction because everyone there seemed angry at me for being drunk at a hockey game, but whatever: Those folks were losers. Anyway, even though the Whale appeared to be crowded with old people who hate noise and fun, and even though, at this rate, we will probably never win another Yale-Harvard game in my lifetime, I maintain that Yale athletics are absolutely a-okay. Besides, I don’t actually remember watching any of the last Yale-Harvard game, so what if we had won? Then I’d have felt bad for having missed it.
But, President-elect Salovey, what we do need at Yale is more tall people. I mean, really tall people.
So here’s my proposal: Let’s take those 50 spots that President Richard Levin freed from athletic recruitment, and use them to establish a healthy colony of giants at Yale.
I don’t mean real giants, of course. They are a rare and dying breed and would probably prefer to go to Hogwarts. I’m talking about people over 6 feet tall. Or maybe, for women, over 5-feet-10-inches. Honestly, anything would be an improvement. We’re like a bunch of munchkins here.
Except for that one time when I saw the men’s heavyweight crew team — or rather, from my vantage, their pectorals — in line for dinner at Commons (R.I.P.), I’ve had disappointingly few encounters with the vertically advantaged. By which I mean, I can’t remember dating any of them. It’s one of the greatest regrets of my college career, along with actually sampling General Tso’s Tofu. President-elect Salovey, you now bear the great burden of my romantic sorrow. You are the only one who can heal my wounds.
My love life isn’t the only thing that stands to profit from such a progressive admissions policy, however. Yale itself benefits from having tall people around. For example, tall people can reach tall things. The library would save so much money if, instead of replacing all those stools I keep falling off of, they could just hire taller students to come to the aid of their pipsqueaky peers.
Research shows that tall people are also more successful — it’s no coincidence that our president and our first lady would probably be uncomfortable in our twin XL beds. In today’s terrible economy, height is an advantage, and Yale would come out on top — literally — if more of our graduating seniors were able to find real jobs after college. Tall people are probably also more likely to do well academically, since they can see everyone’s answers over their shoulders with no problem.
Of course, naysayers will neigh that tall people require taller beds, taller shower heads, and more food and water for eating and bathing. It’s true, and our resources will only be more strained by our efforts to woo the tall people in the first place — spending will increase on tall-people perks, like free XL shirts, and maybe suspender-extenders.
But who else is going to fill those 50 free spots at Yale? Nobel Prize winners? Award-winning poets? Those people are all, like, 5-feet-7-inches, tops. President-elect Salovey, I urge you — and Yale in general — to imagine what it would be like to comfortably replace (or have someone replace for you) a lightbulb on our luxuriously high ceilings, or to receive a hug from someone whose halitosis you absolutely cannot smell because it is so far away from your head. That’s what our campus would be like if we had those 50 students dedicated to being tall.
For those of you with prejudices against the tall — for those of you who say, “Oh, they’re not more impressive, we’re just made nervous around them because they can see down our shirts,” and “I hate tall people because it hurts my neck to look at them” — I beg you not to think of my attitude as “heightism,” but to realize that tallness is just one of many equal advantages. Being very tall is just like being very articulate, being very good at football or being Brandon Levin ’14.
And since Brandon is going to graduate soon, President-elect Salovey, I suggest you act fast.
Michelle Taylor is a senior in Davenport College. Contact her at email@example.com .