Last year, I had a brilliant idea: Instead of wasting hundreds of dollars and too many hours traveling back home to the Deep South for Thanksgiving, I’d spend my extended weekend in New Haven. I’d trade turkey for Toad’s, and cranberry sauce for vodka-cranberries. It was going to be great.
Also, I planned to write a paper.
As it turns out, none of those things happened. For those of you unfortunates on campus with me this year, you know that Yale over Thanksgiving break is a Waste Land — as T. S. Eliot so aptly put it, “The nymphs are departed.” The streets are empty. The libraries, at night, are closed. Judging by our toilet paper usage rate, I’m pretty sure I was the only person on my floor.
And this, surprisingly, was not conducive to productivity. Or good hygiene. Yet, fellow Castaways, remember always that there are unexpected advantages to being around when there’s no one else at Yale. Next year, before you start getting cozy with Wilson the Volleyball, consider these — my FIVE BEST THINGS YOU CAN ONLY DO (AND SHOULD HAVE DONE) WHILE STRANDED HELPLESSLY ON CAMPUS.
1. Sleep naked. Maybe you’re shy. Maybe you’re paranoid. It doesn’t matter: When campus is virtually wiped out by the Turkey Plague, your chance to experience the glory of sleeping in your birthday suit has come. There’s no one here to watch. So go ahead, sleep in the buff, like your ancestors did. It’s amazing.
2. Eat candy for breakfast. And lunch. And maybe dinner, too. Look. No one was here to judge us. And it’s hard to decide which Thai place to patron for dinner! Why not just saunter off to G-Heav for a box of chocolate-covered raisins? That sounds like a great meal — and well-balanced: it has fruit! Plus, if you get two, you can have some candy left over for when you wake up naked tomorrow.
3. While you’re at it, walk around naked, too. Chances are you were the only person left in your suite. So turn up the heat (literally and figuratively), strip down and see how that couch cushion feels. Curl up with a good book or your favorite shameful TV indulgence, or just enjoy an afternoon of full-frontal Facebooking. Savor your secretive giggles when, days from now, someone rests their head where you just parked.
4. Throw a library dance party. Yesterday the lights in the Daven-brary turned off on me because I was the only person in the damn room, and I guess I wasn’t fidgety enough. So while your residential college library may not have been the best place to study, it was still an awesome place to hold a secret solo dance party. Turn up the music and bust a move!
5. Your laundry. It’s Saturday, and by now you’re bored enough to do it. Change your sheets and wash your undies. You can’t go naked forever.