NEWS’ VIEW: Harvard Sucks

Dear Harvard,

We need to talk.

It seems like we do this every year, and quite frankly we’ve had enough. When this started back in 1875, we thought you might be the one. You were older, you were richer and you lived on the water in Cambridge. At the time this all started, we were just a young upstart, barely 174 years old. We thought The Game could have been something special.

But we’re tired, Harvard. We’ve done this 129 times, and we’re tired of having to deal with you.

How many times have we tried to drink with you Friday night, only to find out you’re “too hungover to tailgate” for The Game the next morning? Or even worse, how many nights did you sneak back to our colleges, walking a perfectly straight line and reeking of sobriety?

We could deal with your anti-social, borderline-agoraphobic, Boo-Radley-meets-Walden tendencies. We even stuck by your side after you banned us from actually enjoying your tailgates or thought “Incest Fest” would be a cool name for a party.

You tried to make all your parties “invite-only” to seem exclusive, only to have us realize that no one inside your creepy final clubs was good-looking. Still, we stayed committed to this rivalry.

We could even deal with your sad obsession about the size of your acceptance rate. Remember, it’s not about size — it’s really all about how you use it. But of course, you have to keep reminding us: 6 percent. Every time we left Cambridge unsatisfied, we put up with it because at least you were honest.

But then you cheated, Harvard.

You threw out the pledge that we all took — to be the best and brightest, to be the most elite universities we could be. You broke our trust, Harvard. And for what? Some “easy class”? Some intro-gov gut class that anyone could ace without even trying? We never expected this from you.

So we’re leaving you, Harvard. You suck.

We should have seen the signs; everyone around you warned us. Your newspaper tried telling us — see Nov. 16, 2007 Crimson column “Harvard Sucks.” Even your own fans tried telling us — see Nov. 20, 2004 Harvard fan statement “We Suck.” We should have listened.

But luckily for us, there’s another school down south. We never really thought they mattered, and they probably don’t, but they respect us. They want to be us. Sure, they’re smaller, poorer and from New Jersey. But at least they’re honest. We wish we could say the same about you.

Enjoy your Monday classes,