FROM: Coordination Dean of Occupy New Haven
TO: All Occupy New Haven Residents
SUBJECT: Updated Occupy Housing Procedures
All right folks, judging by the increased amount of squirrel in Mindy’s Occupy Stew over at Tent 7, it’s springtime again. That means, time to figure out our new living arrangements for the coming fiscal year. To make this process as fair and painless as possible, we’ve got a few ground rules and guidelines for the tenting lottery, so put down your water-bottle shower and start reading this here leaflet.
As you all know, we’re selecting tents by lottery this year, but there are a few exceptions to the standard policy. First of all, certain options are out of the lottery at this point. Judging by the sounds and smells emanating from Tent 11, Matisyahu’s roadies are not finished with their orgy started way back in September, so that option’s out of the picture. Also, Dirty Louie has made it clear that he intends to stay in his teepee. If anyone wants to challenge him on it, feel free, but I would recommend you wear heavy armor and bring along a Hostess Snack Cake tribute of your choice.
These restrictions aside, obviously everyone wants a shot at the Party-Yurt and the Tent-Pack, so it’s probably going to come down to a drum-circle-off at a date and time to be announced. I’m thinking every Sunday at 9 a.m., until we can find a nice loud group of Party-Yurters!
More seriously, we have received several noise complaints about the Party-Yurt, so let’s keep it down.
Finally, it has come to our attention that our long-held policy of personal waste disposal is no longer a viable option. Turns out the holes we’ve been digging have been slowly eating away at the foundations of New Haven Green, and it looks like if we keep burying our treasure we’re literally gonna start sinking into our own poo. So, in addition to running over to use the toilet at Claire’s Corner Copia, we will be providing selected tents with composting crockpots and seven-tiered storage baskets for your toiletries.
That pretty much wraps it up, folks! Remember to write out and sign your tent contracts on the back of a maple leaf (no oak — let’s not repeat last year’s confusion), and submit them to Dirty Louie. Just slip it under the teepee flap. He’ll find it.
Your Tenting Coordinator,
P.S. Be sure to come to Tuesday’s Chant Committee Meeting prepared with words that rhyme with capitalism.