I left Toad’s feeling unwanted, unattractive and creepy. I know this isn’t true — I’m a good guy, handsome, respectful and friendly. Yet when girls shove you off at Toad’s, it doesn’t help your self-confidence. After all, if I can’t find a girl in a mosh pit at Toad’s, it makes me wonder: Can I find a girl anywhere?
I’m a freshman, prospective EP&E major, just a nice guy. I know in my heart of hearts that guys and girls are looking for the same thing — someone who will love them, make them happy and respect them. But actions seem to speak louder than words.
The facts on the ground tell us — and multiple girls have told me — that women at Yale are simply confused. They don’t know if they want a hookup, a boyfriend or something in between. Recently, Maria Yagoda (“Just say no (to awful sex),” Jan. 20) complained that men at Yale do not know how to pleasure women, and she called desperately for “nice-looking, not-evil and socially adjusted straight single males.”
Well, here we are. I know us in masses. As a matter of fact, I can introduce you to a few. We desire nothing more than to be in a loving, consensual relationship that makes us and you happy. Nonetheless, women describe this as unconfident and needy. As a result, the outcome of interactions that reflect this hope is less than ideal. Nice guys are left in the dust while the girls we crush on party at Toad’s. Where are these nice-looking, not-evil and socially adjusted straight single females who are apparently in abundance?
From the perspective of a freshman, it seems that girls at Yale desire self-confidence and social standing. What better way to achieve this than to have a nice guy chase you? It makes you feel desired and increases your standing among social circles. In other words, it establishes you as someone popular who is wanted by good men at Yale.
However, what are the ramifications of this game of cat and mouse? If women are genuinely frustrated with men at Yale, they should look toward their actions in these types of situations. We as men put ourselves out on the line, hoping for your interest and affection. Instead, we are often met with rejection or the friend zone.
What are we doing wrong? We are not creepy or socially ignorant. To the contrary, we are bright, well-adjusted, liked young men. We fit the criteria of what you are looking for. Enlighten us: Where is our mistake? While many women claim to want a relationship, they go around solely hooking up and seem to avoid emotional investment. Their defense is that they settle for hookups, hoping men will eventually come around to a relationship.
What they do not recognize are the guys who are looking for a relationship from the get-go — those looking for nice-looking, not-evil and socially adjusted straight single females, someone they can call when they’re lonely, hold hands with while walking to class and watch a movie with on a Saturday night. Sure, we want to be physically intimate, but we also want to be emotionally intimate with a girl we know likes and cares for us. These comments and sentiments are often dismissed as unmasculine and clingy by both sexes.
As a result, many guys are fearful of voicing their feelings — including me. This is wrong. Men and women should be on the same page, able to voice our wants and desires to one another. I can only hope that Yale’s new consent initiatives and maturity among fellow stu ity to do so. Nonetheless, until I start seeing results, I will be skeptical.
One might argue that guys continue to have these experiences because we are looking at the wrong type of women. That statement is simply fallacious. The same games occur with the sweetest of girls — the exact ones who profess their desire for a relationship and lament the lack of nice guys at Yale. I know from experience. These actions are not limited to specific personalities but are found across the spectrum.
I acknowledge that I will never fully understand women, and I’m okay with that. Yet when I see complaints about the lack of quality men at Yale, I urge women to qualify their complaints and notice the actions and sentiments of themselves and their fellow girls. I believe I speak for the nice-looking, not-evil and socially adjusted straight single males at Yale — we’re waiting for these games to end.
David Lilienfeld is a freshman in Ezra Stiles College. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.