NEWS’ VIEW: Harvard sucks

They are the 6 percent.

The tuxedo-clad, pipe-smoking final club denizens of Harvard have traveled a long way just to watch their football team limp to defeat on Saturday, and their trek has come with great personal sacrifice. They left behind the comfort of their very own gated Occupy protest, only to see us commoners rough it on the New Haven Green. One day, they were happily flaunting their low admissions rate and privileged status, cheering about how many others they can exclude. Today, they’re stuck with us peasants in New Haven, forced to attend parties without bouncers. They haven’t seen this many people with souls since Bulldog Days – well, those who got in at least.

Pity the Cantab masses. They live in fear of the benevolent adult RAs who protect them from dangerous substances like alcohol at all times. They have already made a brave step by leaving Cambridge and their homework for class on Monday.

And be nice to them. As we prepare to watch them exposed as frauds on the football field, we should realize that these automatons in red could just as easily have been us — well, without the skinny jeans and thick-framed glasses. They were real people once, before they decided that the Harvard name was more important than happiness, curiosity, fun or sex.

Just think about four years in Boston without sex. Then take a deep breath. Thank God you chose Yale.

Life at Harvard might be miserable, but we have to remember that this is about the institution, not the kids. Frank Lloyd Wright had it right when he said, “Harvard takes perfectly good plums as students and turns them into prunes.” Although our northern brethren might seem shriveled up and stunted, think of who they may have been just a few short years ago. Human seems like a safe guess.

Only a drunken bus ride away, these lost sheep cower in cold, Spartan houses, poor imitations of our residential colleges. That is, they would cower there if they ever left the libraries — where their forced captivity seems to have given them the impression that peeing on books about LGBT issues is socially acceptable. Plenty of other strange things seem acceptable in the sunless, frigid alleyways of Cambridge: forcing kindness pledges on freshmen, admitting 30 percent of legacy applicants, taking vodka shots while writing code alone in your room, chastity.

We can’t help but wonder what this new Harvard Sex Week will be like. Imagine crossing 5th grade health class with ambitious resume-padders — we shudder.

A few visionary Harvard students have realized the sad state of affairs in which they are trudging through the best years of their lives. One Cantab advised high school seniors from the pages of the Harvard Crimson, “If you receive a notice of acceptance from the Harvard admissions office next month, enjoy the moment, but consider how disappointed you may be three years from now.”

All is not lost for these prunes. For this short weekend, we can do them a service. Our glorious football team, with its selfless quarterback who turned down a Rhodes Scholarship interview in order to lead us to certain victory, will not treat the Crimson well on the field of battle. But we can treat them to a good time off of it.

These Harvard students will get to see real smiles this weekend — especially from the blue side of the Bowl after the sons of Eli romp to victory. It’s our job to make sure the Cantabs remember this brief respite from their sad rat race. Help them see the Lux, Yale.


  • River_Tam

    Decently written, but the interminable Yale obsession with sex is just so damn juvenile.

    • Yale12

      Try it sometime. You’ll like it.

      • River_Tam

        LOL CLASSY RESPONSE BRO. Thanks for proving my point – Yalies measure their worth in sex because they’re all compensating for their high school years. A clever put down among privileged and emotionally stunted children is to say “get laid” (used in this column towards Harvard, and in response to Mr. Fisher’s column towards him, and now towards me) because if you’re NOT having sex, you must be, like, totally Lame, right? You’re probably a right-old prude.

        You must assume that because I don’t talk about sex all the time, I must not be having it? No, don’t worry – this vcard got handed in back in middle school to some high school guy I can’t remember the name of (and don’t really care to). It sucked, I cried for a week, and several years later got tested. That’s what happens sometimes when you grow up in the hood.

        I honestly have immeasurable respect for people who “wait” to have sex until the right person comes along, and it’s assholes like you who pollute discourse on the one hand by using sexual activity a weaponized insult, and on the other hand insist that there’s no sexual pressure at Yale.

        Or was that all too much information in response to your sophomoric (and unclever) attempt at an insult?

        • Yale12

          It wasn’t an insult. I was being honest. You’re incredibly uptight about sex and you seem to think people who aren’t are morally inferior. Sorry you had a shitty experience, but plenty of people, especially those of us who lose our virginity in college (as I did, to somebody I’d been dating for two months), don’t. It’s not “juvenile” to talk about sex, it’s normal.

          OMG “growing up in the hood.” LOL, get over yourself. I can’t even count the number of times you’ve called somebody you disagreed with “privileged,” and therefore dismissed their opinion. There are plenty of people at Yale who grew up poor and in cities – myself included. I would pretend I was from suburban Connecticut before I used the word “hood” as some kind of shield – you don’t understand MY life, it’s so hard. What a joke.

          • River_Tam

            How am I “uptight” about sex at all? Maybe I’ve been giving you the wrong impression about sex from my comments (could you point them out to me?) but here’s my opinion: Yalies talk about sex to try to prove how cool and mature they are, and there are too many Yale girls having drunken sex that they regret the next morning. I’m not _uptight_ about sex as much as I am just *over* the need to prattle on about how great it is endlessly and (yes) use virginity as an insult. As you can see from my comments, I have no problem talking about sex – it’s the endless chatter about how awesome we all are for having sex — as if being sexually active is in and of itself a badge of honor.

            It’s not being “uptight”, it’s called being an adult.

            As for your other comments – I don’t dismiss someone for being privileged, but I think it explains a lot about where they’re coming from. For instance, the idea of someone not having sex before college was almost entirely alien to me until I came to Yale. It’s nice to be from a place where that’s not the case. I guess there’s a little envy in there – but given that a lot of my good friends had privileged upbringings, I don’t think I dismiss the opinion of someone *because* they’re privileged. Privilege just helps explain a lot of Yale’s problems.

            PS: At the very least, you should own your insult. “Get laid” aka “stop being so uptight” *is* an insult (LOL I’M NOT BEING INSULTING IF IT’S HONEST) and one that completely belies your entire point about how mature your sexual discussions are.

        • wordswordswords


        • infinitynight

          thanx river tam !!!!! your so insightful.

  • The Anti-Yale

    I suppose with all the troubles in the world it is therapeutic to sit in a huge cement hole and scream your head off when men in blue out-maneuver and out-bash men in crimson. I’m not being facetious. I think clearing your mind (and perhaps your burdened spirit) by obsessing on utterly meaningless physical activity, is actually good for your health.—and maybe even good for the world.

    • Dedwards

      TheAntiYale, I really hate all of the comments you make on this site. You add so little.

      • jamesdakrn

        yeee dedwards!

      • pgayed

        @Dewards, theantiyale is like the professor you never had but always needed. Tell Yale you want your money back.

  • Yalie

    It would be therapeutic if we ever actually out-maneuvered and out-bashed them.

  • connman250

    When your old and dying in a rest home in your final minutes, do you really think that all the sex you had will be flashing before you? You mean there is class envy within the Ivy League? Oh Yeah…..and….Four Stars**** to River_Tam’s comments

    • pgayed

      Old and dying? All the sex I’ve ever had is always flashing before my eyes. If it ain’t, are you really living??

      • connman250

        Who ever said, you have to have smarts to go to Yale?

  • connman250

    This is typical rah rah cheerleader column, but before you throw stuff at fellow Ivy Leaguers, Harvard, make sure you have a football team that can compete, at least, at the high school level.