SIRCUS: NBA lockout woes

Well, much as it pains me to say, it looks like the 2011-’12 NBA season may never come to fruition.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? I honestly don’t know — I’m in a little bit of a sports funk right now, and the beginning of the NBA season was just what I needed to get me out of the doldrums.

See, with the Colts embarrassing themselves every Sunday, and with the Cardinals winning their second World Series title in five years, it’s hard to watch ESPN without an intense feeling of bitterness and resentment clouding my vision. The start of the NBA was supposed to restore my hope and faith in the professional sporting world. I guess I should stop being so selfish though; the lockout doesn’t pain me nearly as much as it does the now 500 unemployed professional basketball players.

I figure that there is a way to solve both of our problems, though. I mean, these athletes have skill sets that go (even if only marginally) beyond the ability to score a basket or play lockdown defense. What if — in the spirit of Lebron’s trade from two summers ago — the players take their individual talents to another field, either still in or completely outside of the world of sports? What follows are my favorite options:

I think Chris Bosh should move across the country to L.A., and run the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios. It just wasn’t fair when he left the Raptors — the resemblance was uncanny!

Glen “Big Baby” Davis should open his own daycare center. He could even bring former teammate Rasheed Wallace into the fold to help the children learn how to control their tempers.

John Wall can appear on the next season of “Dancing with the Stars.” He wouldn’t even need a partner. He could wear his Wizards jersey and do his pre-game warm up dance, and I guarantee that he would still win handily.

Kyrie Irving should go back to Duke. Honestly, I sometimes feel like the sports gods are conspiring against me. The prodigy point guard plays seven games for the Blue Devils before going down for the season until the tournament. Then, he has three stellar games, when all of a sudden the team gets blown out in one of the most unexpectedly lucky Arizona Wildcats performances of all time. Irving decides to skip out on the rest of his college career, only to have his rookie season cancelled.

Are you kidding me? There is no justice.

It’s high time for Pau Gasol to finally go and get that medical degree. I’m not joking; Gasol is one intelligent fellow. Back in Spain, he was pursuing his M.D. before David Stern lured him into playing ball in the states. Plus, could you imagine Gasol as your doc? I think he would need a longer stethoscope.

Dirk Nowitzki should partner up with the Disney Channel and voiceover the villain role on its newest animated series. If any of you remember the evil doctor from Kim Possible, that’s in essence what I’m fantasizing.

Ron Artest and Shaquille O’Neal should team up to drop another rap album. With O’Neal’s Shaq Diesel and Artest’s My World both receiving such high critical acclaim, the duo’s new album would be the most highly anticipated release since Watch the Throne. (This one is a joke. All three of the aforementioned albums — including, regrettably, Watch the Throne — were complete duds).

Joakim Noah should model. Or get a haircut. Both would make me happy.

I want Dwight Howard to come and join my improv group. For those of you who have seen the Viola Question, can you imagine him playing in the Oracle? (I imagine the intersection of people who get both parts of that reference to be three at most).

J.J. Barea should start a Khloe and Lamar style reality show with his wife, former Miss Universe, Zuleyka Rivera. If I can’t see her in the crowd at Mavericks games anymore, I need some other way to admire her. Honestly, the woman is beautiful.

Lebron James should take a lifeguarding class. That way, he will know what to do the next time he chokes.

While these are fun hypothetical to ponder and play with, all I really want at the end of the day is to watch these guys do what they do best. Here’s to at least some portion of the upcoming NBA season actually happening.

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