News’ View: Harvard Sucks

Today, before celebrating the inevitable victory of the ferocious Bulldog over the anemic (and ambiguously creepy) Cantab, it is only fitting that we take a moment to mourn the less fortunate. Only a drunken bus-ride away, cowering in cold, spartan, adult-RA-patrolled halfway-houses, the hollow men and women of Harvard while away their days. The soulless, humorless, admissions-video-less horde may look and dress like us, albeit with less argyle and more “f–k you flipflops” — but something is amiss. As we celebrate our naked parties, Nobel laureates, great leaders and Gothic castles, they suffer dry streets, dry tailgates and drier sex lives. Pray for these poor souls, who must clear all of their three parties a year with administrators and end them by 2 a.m.; whose foam parties get shut down faster than the public option; whose so-called “final clubs” couldn’t even get close to stealing the skull of an Apache warlord. Our Whiffenpoofs just appeared on national television for the umpteenth time; their a cappella website is hosted on WordPress. Their graduates invent complex, self-destructing financial derivatives; ours star in “Sideways,” lead the free world and style Kanye West.

Readers, if you can stomach it, take a moment to imagine yourself in such a puritanical, fun-drained crucible, and forgive your peers’ foibles: making fun of a recent murder (then trying to erase the evidence), printing T-shirts that make fun of Sept. 11, making Facemashing websites that compare women to farm animals, inventing Microsoft Word, turning tailgates into Soviet-era breadlines, etc. They know not what they do. As Frank Lloyd Wright put it, “Harvard takes perfectly good plums as students and turns them into prunes.” Or, as The Harvard Crimson put it, “Harvard sucks.” (“Harvard sucks,” Nov. 16, 2007).

So forgive these unhappy few — they are a product of circumstance. They’ll receive a tutelary drubbing soon, while sober and eagerly awaiting school on Monday. (Hopefully it’ll wake them up enough to realize they may be proclaiming their own suckage through stadium signage — unlike in 2004.) Forgive their factually-inaccurate insults to our fair city of New Haven. We know that our bustling cultural metropolis has far more to offer the young and boozy than the glorified higher-ed babysitting consortium that is Cambridge. And let them cling to the idea that it’s a safer place to go to school, even though rape is almost three times as likely in Cambridge than in New Haven, and murder, almost 75 percent more prevalent.

So today, before we add another notch to our glorious 65–53–8 record, let’s resolve to lend a hand to those huddled, hungry masses who plead for hot breakfast. We’ll bring the party; we’ll show them what life would have been like had they listened to our twee harmonies and chosen Yale — that is, if they had had enough personality to get in.

Go easy on them; remember, their tolerances are probably low. At the end of the day, they have to go home to decrepit dorms and regret. These poor souls are such strangers to human connection that they had to found a website — HarvardLunch.com — to encourage people to hang out. In our book of coolness, which is pretty extensive, that’s about as low as it gets. Apart from Adam Wheeler, that is.

Today, the cult of Yale will descend upon the unhappy, architecturally-monotonous streets of Harvard. Consider it a humanitarian mission. Bring the soul. Bring the social skills. Bring the sexy. The thrill of victory should never overshadow the responsibility to shed some lux on Harvard’s sad, rat-racing, degree-chasing ilk. And if, by some miracle, the pigskin falls in their favor, don’t despair the battle — we’ve long won the war. After all, they’re all just a bunch of “s-ssies.”

Comments

  • aluminterviewer

    Hasn’t Yale lost 8 out of 9 in this century to Harvard?

  • River Tam

    > lead the free world

    Obama?

  • mpl

    This is without a doubt the best News’ View all year and the first time I’ve seen Yalies make fun of Harvard students in an original way.

  • The Anti-Yale

    Sissy
    From Wikipedia,For other uses, see Sissy (disambiguation).

    Sissy is a pejorative for a boy or man to indicate that he fails to behave according to the traditional male gender role. Generally, it implies a lack of the courage and stoicism which are thought important to the male role. It might also imply interests seen as strikingly un-masculine and effeminate behavior. This pejorative may be given to anyone as an insult. Several variations, such as “sissy boy” or “sissy baby”, exist and any term can become pejorative or insulting if preceded by “sissy” and applied to a boy or a man. Sissy is the male converse of tomboy, but has none of the latter’s positive connotations. Even amongst gay men, behavior thought of as sissy or camp produces mixed reactions. Some men reclaim the term for themselves. (See also genderqueer). Other similar terms include “wimp,” “wuss,” “femboy,” and “pussy.”

    The term sissyphobia generally denotes the dominant social and cultural reaction against “sissy boys”.[1] It has more recently been used in some queer studies;[2] other authors in this latter area have proposed effeminiphobia as an alternative term

  • pc11

    “inventing Microsoft Word.” this is actually funny. nice job, News’ View.

  • River Tam

    “If all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be surprised”

    — Dorothy Parker

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Are we supposed to be posting random definitions from Wikipedia? My turn!

    Cisterna From Wikipedia,For other uses, see Cisterna (disambiguation).

    A cisterna (plural cisternae) comprises a flattened membrane disk that makes up the Golgi apparatus. A typical Golgi has anywhere from 3 to 7 cisternae stacked upon each other like a stack of dinner plates, but there are usually around 6. The cisternae carry Golgi enzymes to help or to modify cargo proteins traveling through them destined for other parts of the cell.
    The cisternae also carry structural proteins important for its maintenance as a flattened membrane and its stacking upon each other.

  • The Anti-Yale

    ShaveTheWhales:

    I believe “s-issy” is the final word of the article.

    “Sissy” is a dis for “intellectual male”. Sissyphobia why we have so many proud-to-be-dumb males valorized in the media and rushing fraternities at Yale.

  • ezrastiles2011

    Oh, for heaven’s sake. All of these indignant comments are utterly out of place on an article which is *clearly* supposed to be a joke. Everyone just lighten up and enjoy the weekend. Boola boola!

  • River Tam

    > “Sissy” is a dis for “intellectual male”. Sissyphobia why we have so many proud-to-be-dumb males valorized in the media and rushing fraternities at Yale.

    The particular origin is derived from F Scott Fitzgerald (an intellectual male), who commented in *This Side of Paradise* (via author avatar): “I don’t know why, but I think of all Harvard men as sissies”. Fitzgerald, of course, attended Princeton, a school notorious for having a sparse Greek scene.

    I can’t imagine in what world the quoting of F Scott Fitzgerald counts as the valorization of anti-intellectualism. “Sissy” tends to denote a lack of courage – not a lack of intelligence.

  • River Tam

    @ShaveTheWhales – cisterna comes from the Latin cista, meaning “box”.

    Clearly a sexist slur.

  • The Anti-Yale

    The “intellectual”, the “artistic,” in a male has been associated with “effeminacy” for decades and that association has done untoild damage to American males seeking to develop their intellectual and artisitc interests.

    ” . . . It might also imply interests seen as strikingly un-masculine and effeminate behavior. This pejorative may be given to anyone as an insult. Several variations, such as “sissy boy” or “sissy baby”, exist and any term can become pejorative or insulting if preceded by “sissy” and applied to a boy or a man . . . Other similar terms include “wimp,” “wuss,” “femboy,” and “pussy.”

  • River Tam

    > The “intellectual”, the “artistic,” in a male has been associated with “effeminacy” for decades and that association has done untoild damage to American males seeking to develop their intellectual and artisitc interests.

    You’re living in the fantasy world of Glee.

  • The Anti-Yale

    A bit of New Haven history.

    G. Harold Welch, New Haven banker and real estate developer (he owned the Century Buiilding and Macy’s in central New Haven) used to throw a post-Yale/Harvard-game party at his estate over-looking The Sleeping Giant in Mt. Carmel.

    I was invited once, when he was 84 (he lived to be an active 96).

    The irony of the party (which had occurred for decades) was that Mr. Welch had never seen the END of a single Yale/Harvard game.

    As the Game’s banker , he had to collect the money from all of the ticket-takers at half-time and spirit it off to his bank where it was dutifully locked up for safekeeping.

  • Hieronymus’ Bosh

    One point in the Cantabs’ favor: Harvard seems to be out-flanking Yale at military maneuvers, marching proactively to salute a post-DADT military formation on campus:
    http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6AH10120101118

    “A ROTC program, open to all, ought to be fully and formally present on our campus,” said Harvard President Drew Faust. She made the comment to welcome an evening speech by the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mike Mullen, the top U.S. military officer.

    Faust has made a point of forging closer ties with the U.S. military, which sends many officers to courses at the school.

  • ajoylin

    Fantastic.

  • The Anti-Yale

    Yle Bowl
    64,000 seats

    Harvard sells Yale/Harvard tickets for $20 undergrad $35-50 all other.

    Average: $35 a seat

    x

    64,000
    ____________

    2 million bucks

  • townieexprof

    Best. Column. Evar.
    Boolah

  • piersondad

    ROFL. Well done!

  • The Anti-Yale

    So at half time will there be a banker taking over a million dollars in CASH out of the stadium in brown paper bags and driving it in his car trunk through the poverty section of New Haven to a bank today? Or will it all be transacted by plastic?

  • penn73er

    However much Harvard may suck, they yet again prove Yale football sucks.

  • Bram

    This is true: a couple of years ago I looked up “cantab” in the dictionary—I forget which one, but I think it was either Merriam-Webster or the American Heritage—and found out that it’s a kind of flower in the same family as the pansy. For some reason nobody thought this was funny. Boo, but also, boola boola.

  • The Anti-Yale

    THE DICKENSIAN DRAMA BEHIND THE BIG GAME

    It is Half-time at the Big Game, and the wealthiest man in New Haven leaves his seat and guests to meet his associates outside the Bowl itself.

    Octogenarian now, he remembers being a poor boy whose first job was to light city gas lamps, one-by-one, street-by-New-Haven -street, seven decades before.

    Now he owns many of those same streets, or the property encompassed by them.

    His associates help him load his Mercedes sportscar (or perhaps the gleaming pick-up truck he uses on his estate) with the brown paper bags, each containing about $100,000 in cash bills.

    It is 1979, and the era of credit card payments has not yet arrived.

    Those entering the Bowl on the sacred day, all 64,000 thouand of them, must pay in paper currency, and it must be whisked out of sight to a vault swiftly and safely, all million or so dollars of it.

    A Brinks armored vehicle would arouse suspicion, but a white-haired, white-skinned, immaculate grandfatherly, gent, driving a sportscar or pick-up through the impoverished streets of New Haven with a trunk full of grocery bags, wouldn’t raise an eyebrow.

    Twenty minutes later, as he nears his goal opposite the Green, he skirts the Ivied campus itself, a 19th Century Dickensian background of stone mansions, for a Dickensian character on Dickensian mission of Midas proportions.

    He pulls up in front of the bank over which he presides and a guard working overtime brings a grocery cart out to his vehicle. The brown bags and their “foodstuffs” are transferred to the cart which he escorts inside.

    He unlocks the vault.

    Touchdown.

  • Bjarni

    It all rings hollow when you neglect to win The Game. As for Yale graduates leading the free world, thanks a lot. Great job, Brownie.

  • dalet5770

    I spent two years at the school of medicine working to recover from my accident in New Hampshire and not once did someone say, “Hey lets look at his ear” Friends Yalies and Plebes lend me your ear
    II would be a minor footnote in the annals of history if the tale of my injury were not captured by a cat scan this year that provided clear and present evidence that a fraud occurred. It seems I am missing the lining to my ear and a growth is pushing against the ear drum. Compounding the insult here in this epitome with the fact that the only conflicts Yailies seem to be enraged with are woman’s issues and whether or not we performed against Harvard. Barring the chances that a Yalie has been designated to be the next president of the United States, I look back for leadership an I have yet to find it. If we must reminisce lets think about Dale and how he frequently passed out in the nursing dorms with those closest to me not even blinking an eye for the sight of Vertigo. So as you go Bulldogs – breed and make sick puppies.

  • BaruchAtta

    Oh, yeh. After reading all the above comments (interesting) I now remember what I wanted to add.

    Sissy – from “sister”. Duh. Even college kids should figure that one out.