Despite what the sports page tells you, the number of interceptions or sacks a player made during the season is irrelevant to your enjoyment of the Game. It doesn’t really matter what the star players have done for the team, because as far as the fans can tell, it’s just one huge frat boy in blue tackling another equally gigantic boy in crimson. I don’t need to know how Yale did it, or who did it, just that we beat Harvard. However, off the field there are some important things you do need to know, like who you might want to talk to after the game — mainly smart Yale boys — and who you probably won’t — mainly sad, sexually frustrated Harvard boys. But in the spirit of democracy, we would like to allow you to elect your own Most Valuable Player, and to do so not based on unimportant things like “yards run” and “personal fouls.” So here are the front-runners in this special version of the Game, where only you can decide who the real winner is. And in the words of Jiminy Cricket: Let your conscience be your guide.
First, let’s start with some nice, big, beautiful twins: Larry and Bobby Abare ’09. If you’re in the market for two of a kind, these boys are probably the prettiest set from here to Cambridge. Move over Mary-Kate and Ashley; there is a new set of twins in town, and I wouldn’t argue with them, because they would be liable to accidentally snap your already brittle frames. Harvard doesn’t have a single set of twins, although the brothers Pilconis (a sophomore and a freshman, respectively) certainly don’t look too bad. In the spirit of pretty boys, John Sheffield ’10 is hands-down one of the best-looking players on either team. The former model now worries more about college than his career, however, and this TD Marky-Mark now lists his interests as “sports, video games, partying, and staying klazzy.”
Sometimes, all of us get a little nostalgic for the Prince: that is, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. However, while I can’t bring you Will Smith, I can bring you a Carlton look-alike with an eight-pack by the name of Eric Vidal ’09. Hopefully this boy also has mad Carlton dance moves in addition to the looks, which I personally would love to see if he makes a touchdown. Be sure to make this suggestion to him before the game.
If you’re looking for a little more legitimate celebrity, try Matthew Polhemus ’08. This boy recently made both the New York Times and USA Today. And, while, sadly, he made a name for himself because of a fight outside of Gourmet Heaven, he’s still gotten more coverage than the rest of the Ancient Eight players combined. He’s a “celebrity,” and, according to Paris Hilton, that’s hot.
If romance is more your style, go no further than Joseph Traynor ’10. Joe will woo you with his linguistic skill: This boy speaks Italian, and, though he is still learning, you don’t know what the words mean anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.
So, now you know the truth. Be wise, be careful and be suitably sober. And with that final note: GO YALE!