Oral sex, Secret Service, and beautiful people

First of all, Rumpus is more than just a publication. It’s a way of life. Sure, we print six issues a year on a more-or-less monthly basis. Sure, we circulate 5,000 printed copies in addition to our online readership. Sure, we get far more play per capita than the staff of the Yale Daily “News.” But the real truth, my friends, goes far beyond that.

The basics: Rumpus is America’s Oldest College Tabloid. Our six yearly issues include four regular issues, a Commencement issue and the ever-popular Yale’s 50 Most Beautiful People, none of whom — I warn you now — will ever, ever sleep with you. Of course we have your run-of-the-mill feature articles, like “Oral Sex ‘Absolutely’ OK,” “40 Yale Hookers — Maybe More!!!,” “Horny Townie Seeks Boobies,” “Dirt Poor: Yale’s Grandma’s House to be Taken Away” and “Joe Lieberman: Commie Bastard.” Then we have regular monthly features like Remedial Media, which ever-so-gently chides the silly little errors of other campus publications (“If that sentence were a dog, you would shoot it”), and Rumpus Rumpus, your source for Rumors, Truths We Couldn’t Prove and Other Allegations, which broke such crucial issues as the apparent scorpion infestation of Davenport College.

Rumpus is clearly a mighty and fearful presence on campus. Our issues have been stolen by DKE and Skull ‘n’ Bones (the same evil organization that made Joshua Jackson a very sad boy in “The Skulls,” mind you) after exposes on these groups; we were framed for the theft of Saybrook’s Geochron Clock; and the online edition of our future-collector’s-item April 2001 issue, which apparently aroused the ire of “President” George W. Bush, was removed following pressure from the Yale administration. Rumpus Radio was taken off the air by WYBC (Yale radio) after five shows for clearly spurious reasons: “Blah blah blah profanity, blah blah blah FCC regulations, blah blah airs right after a children’s show–“

Though many fear our powerful pens, few would deny that Rumpus is the best-edited and most literate major publication on campus, and we have been told we are the favored periodical of Yale’s History and English departments. As far as comedy, our only competition is the Yale Record, which has been publishing the nation’s oldest jokes since 1872. And furthermore, every article you see in Rumpus is absolutely, one-hundred-percent true — we think. Really.

Administratively (and sexually), Rumpus has fairly loose standards. Everyone who so desires gets to write, edit and so on. Positions other than editor-in-chief generally depend on what people did for that issue and have included such prestigious titles as “Layout Dominatrix,” “The Bionic Photographer” and “The Harlem Globetrotters.” We have an optional staff dinner every Monday in a college dining hall and occasional other gatherings like the secret society Tap Night Tailgate Party. We allow you to work for other publications, even though they don’t always have the same policy. Positions are always available in writing, editing, layout and business, so come join us in publishing all the news that’s unfit to print.



Matt Johnson ’03 will serve as co-editor-in-chief of Rumpus this year.

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